It is our tendency to mind-wander to our secrets that seems most harmful to well-being. Simply thinking about a secret can make us feel inauthentic. Having a secret return to mind, time and time again, can be tiring. When we think of a secret, it can make what happens when you keep secrets us feel isolated and alone.
Secrecy Requires Self-Control.
Research suggests a variety of reasons, including increased feelings of shame, isolation, uncertainty, and inauthenticity that may arise from ruminating on a secret. Indeed, excessive rumination has been linked to lower levels of well-being. In terms of the trade-offs, it’s hard for me to imagine a more weighty one, right? But the price of keeping that secret might be psychologically catastrophic as well. Secrets create a barrier between people preventing them from being truly close with each other. I have seen this happen with couples, family members, and friends.
- Secrets come in all shapes and sizes, and they can be about good things or not-so-good things.
- But those deeper, graver secrets should come with a post-secret follow-up plan for getting past the truths.
- It is important to note that not all secrets are harmful, and some may be kept undisclosed out of a desire to protect the other person or maintain privacy.
- More to the point is the deleterious effect that secrets can have on the body.
The Brain on Secrets: A Neurological Rollercoaster
We found that the more frequently people simply thought about their secrets, the lower their well-being. The frequency of active concealment when interacting with others, however, had no relationship to well-being. External pressures to reveal a secret can further compound the burden of secrecy. You may feel obligated to disclose secrets due to guilt, expectations from others or perceived social obligations.
The Secret Is Changing Your Relationships
For instance, a secret about an affair can be high on both immorality and connectedness. Thus, the secret-holder can feel both shame at cheating on their spouse and the thrill of being intimately connected with another human being at the same time. Secrets come in all shapes and sizes, and they can be about good things or not-so-good things. Imagine you have a special gift for your friend’s birthday, and you keep it a secret until the party to surprise them.
When Secrets Become Relationship Wrecking Balls
If possible, consider talking to a trusted friend or therapist about the secret, as sharing the burden with someone else can be a powerful first step toward healing. Some of the most common secrets include romantic desire, issues around money and finances, sex, which will come as no surprise. We all learn how to keep things hidden through our experiences. While the rules of the game are easy to understand, playing Hide and Seek is not so simple for young kids. The hider needs to think like the seeker, by using their Theory of Mind to take the perspective of the seeker, so they can imagine what the seeker can and cannot see. Theory of mind refers to the ability to understand that other people can have different thoughts, feelings, memories, experiences, knowledge, and goals than we do 2.
Topshop has teased its return to the high street in a new video posted on social media. A pub in London has raised eyebrows by adding a 4% service fee to all orders, even if you’re served at the bar. Some good news also came in an initial lift to sterling on the back of the inflation news.
There are healthy ways to process and deal with secrets that don’t involve becoming a hermit or spontaneously combusting from stress. In professional environments, secrecy can have both positive and negative effects. Professionals may need to keep secrets for confidentiality reasons, such as in therapy or legal settings.
Keeping a secret often involves a constant mental strain that’s easy to overlook. When you hide something, your mind has to work overtime to ensure that the secret remains protected. This mental juggling can increase your stress levels as you continuously have to remember the details of what’s been hidden and what’s been shared.
When deciding whether to keep or reveal a secret, you may need the help of a trusted confidant or counselor to decide on the right course of action. And though not scientific, most of us know that not all people are good at keeping secrets, so don’t tell your most personal secrets to someone you can’t trust. If you find yourself struggling with the mental toll of keeping secrets, there are several steps you can take to address it. Start by identifying what’s causing you to hide certain truths and reflect on how it makes you feel.
And you’re like just arriving at the party and it’s too late to change or to do anything about it. People will agree saying something kind and nice is better than being brutally honest. There’s no need to needlessly hurt someone’s feelings when there’s nothing that can be done about it. Sharing with a trusted person (a therapist, close friend, or support group) can significantly reduce the emotional burden of a secret. Secrets are often motivated by fear, shame, guilt, or the desire to protect others. Research shows that we hide things to avoid judgment or preserve relationships (Slepian et al., 2017).
- When he did we worked through his painful emotions and rumination with some potent brain-based processes to re-establish rapport with himself, and to create a positive outcome for the situation.
- When people keep secrets from their partner they often rationalize their behavior to themselves and others.
- Speaking out about what’s weighing on you can be an empowering experience that restores your sense of control and authenticity.
- Her research interests include personality, trauma, and integrative psychotherapy approaches.
- Keeping secrets can undoubtedly affect your mental health, but it’s important to remember that you have the power to make a change.
One of the key factors contributing to the burden of keeping a secret is its daily impact on you. Individuals who harbor secrets often find themselves caught in a web of rumination. Such mental preoccupation causes stress, anxiety, guilt, loneliness and even isolation.
For some time now, whenever Robert brings James to a bar, restaurant or social gathering he has one too many and his behavior becomes embarrassing. Robert doesn’t like confrontation, so rather than address James about the issue; he avoids inviting him along to any places that serve alcohol for fear of what might happen. Robert’s secret is preventing him from having a close relationship with his good friend, and is slowly driving them apart.